Oklahoma Voices: Kendy Cox

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Transcript:

Melba: Good afternoon, Kendy how are you today?

Kendy: I'm doing just great. Thank you.

Melba: Good Kendy. We would like to thank you for agreeing to interview with Oklahoma voices a centennial project. We hope that this interview will help families to preserve Oklahoma history. And so I met you of course with your work that you've been doing with Oklahoma marriage initiative and

I  just really want to make sure we could participate and I wanted you to be the person because I just you've been so helpful to me personally. Could you tell me your name?

Kendy: My name is Kendy Cox

Melba: and your birth date?

Kendy: April 26. 1977.

Melba: And where are we located?

Kendy: located right now? We're in Oklahoma City.

Melba: Where were you born?

Kendy:  I was born in Clinton, Oklahoma.

Melba: And where did you grow up?

Kendy: I also grew up in Clinton.

Melba: And what was that like?

Kendy:  It was a wonderful experience growing up in a small town? It certainly always hard to go back now that you've become more accustomed to Big City life, but I wouldn't trade that experience at that close-knit Community for anything in the world.

Melba: Excellent who are your parents

Kendy: Carla and Gary Crewson and they still live in Clinton

Melba: What are they like?

Kendy: My parents are wonderful people. I think they instilled in all of us kids. I have three brothers, you know, our moral values that certainly carry me through a lot in my current life today and they're just fun people. I'm so thankful for the family that I have. There's no false pretenses, you know, we get mad at each other yelling it out and then hug and cry and do all that stuff. So I'm thankful to have a very open family that can communicate well.

Melba: You mentioned that you had three brothers, would you give us their names?

Kendy:  Yes, my oldest brother is well, he's younger than me. But the oldest of the brothers is Cooper and then my middle brother is Chance and the baby of the family is Connor

Melba: and what are they like?

Kendy:  Oh, they're, they're a hoot. I think they're very different from me. Of course. I'm a girl and they're boys. So that's, you know, a Telltale sign of differences, but they, they crack me up whenever we get together. It's always nice to share some laughs.  

Melba: Where did you go to school Kendy?

Kendy: Well, I grew up in Clinton and so all the elementary and Junior High and high school options that there are to offer in Clinton, which is one of each

Melba: The name of your Elementary and High School

Kendy: Oh my elementary school was Southwest Elementary, Clinton Junior High and Clinton High School.

Melba: What was that like?

Kendy: It was great. I once again go back to the small town mentality. I feel like I had a good Education and it was a close-knit community. So you ran into your teachers in the in the grocery store so they could tell your mom pretty quickly. If you didn't have your homework done.

Melba: Do you remember your grandparents?

Kendy: Yes, I think I'm fortunate in this day and age to have memories of all my grandparents. They are all now deceased except for my father's mother, but I they all grew up in the same town with me. So I had easy access to all them.

Melba: Well, let's name your mother's parents in the interview and let’s name your father's parents in the interview.

Kendy: Ok

Melba: And you can share your memories.

Kendy: Well, my mother's parents or Velma and Carlos Hodges, which actually my mother's biological mother died when she was very young, but my grandfather remarried when I was 1 years old, so they were a little old couple. At the altar getting married, which I think is really cute, the only grandmother I've ever known on my mother's side. Her name was Francis and we called her tots, which I think speaks a little to her personality and I have memories of going to their house and playing the piano my grandfather. My mother also plays the piano so he had me always, you know, do my lessons and play my latest thing that I had learned and he really enjoyed that my other distinct memory of my grandfather on my mother's side is just his abundance of hair even at the age of 95. He looked like Albert Einstein he had white hair that just flow down and you know, it was a great. On my father's side my grandmother's name is Millie. She is still living and my grandfather who died about 15 years ago was Clarence and my memories of both of them are fun in that they lived out on a farm so I would love to go out to their house because there are so many things to explore and I have memories of attaching myself to the machine that walks the horses and just so you know lifting my legs up and riding around and letting it take me around which I'm sure I wasn't supposed to do but me and my cousin would love to do that as well as jumping on all the hay bales and the barn and Playing hide and go seek in her house because as a child my memory was that she had the largest house I've ever seen which was not the case I'm sure but those are my memories and she had lots of lots of Cedar chests. And so that smell is a part of my memory. My grandfather was sick for most of my life. So my memories of him are either in bed or riding around on his four-wheeler. It's just how he got around the farm even up until The last year of his life. So that's funny that all my memories are of him on his on his four-wheeler. But even when he was sick, he and Grandma came to all of the kid’s soccer games ballet recitals you name it. So I'm very fortunate to have those memories.

Melba: They were active?

Kendy: Absolutely

Melba: What about your cousin and her name that you were playing with?

Kendy:  Well, actually the cousin that I played with was a male and his name is Colin Sewell. Okay he has Your own family of his own and Odessa, Texas. He has three little boys and he's about five years older than me. So some days he liked to play with me other days, you know, he would teach me bad things and other days he would tease me so you know how that relationship tends to go.

Melba: Did you have a nickname?

Kendy:  Well, my granddad the one on my dad's side who rode the four-wheeler. He called me fluffy. I don't know why but he had a hard time saying my name Kendy. He thought it was a stupid name. He told my dad I was stupid and I mean that but so he never called me by my name but my name from him was Fluffy. I don't know that's probably doesn't feed well into my self-esteem as an adult, but that's what he called me.

Melba: Do you remember any of your best friends, growing up as a child?

Kendy:  Absolutely and my best friend one of my first best friend's was Julia Tisdel, and we still keep in contact today. I remember I was a I was precocious little girl. So she her family actually moved into a house where my aunt and uncle used to live prior to the moving there. And so we would just fight about who knew that house better and you know as an adult I'm like, like of course, she knew the house better. She lived there but I maintain that you know, since my hand uncle had lived there before. I knew it better and I knew all the nooks and crannies and I guess everything in your child has about nooks and crannies, but I've mentioned that a couple

Melba: yeah, yeah in certain situations.

Kendy:  So we played together very well and I count her as one of my best lifelong friends now and you know, I had a friend that lived across the street from me growing up. Her name was Anna Ryer I played a lot with her then, of course once you enter school you have a whole bunch of friends, but I'm specifically thinking about those preschool day’s kind of your earliest memories of friends.

Melba: Okay when you were in school and doing your school life and high school and elementary school. Did you enjoy School?

Kendy: I think I always enjoyed school at times, I didn't enjoy it as much as other times and certainly wants High School head and social activities and I danced a lot and you know, there was less time to do your homework and focus on school work. It wasn't quite as much fun. But as an early experience, you know school was everything where you saw your friends. That's where you learned. That's where you did everything

Melba: You want to take us through your training beyond high school so that we can have a feel for what academic course your courses you took to lead into your life work and you can just kind of go from your post High School area through your training that led to your professional career and through your career. You can just tell that any way you want.

Kendy: sure well when I graduated college I had a big interest in English. I've always been a writer, and wanted to focus on writing. So I initially majored in English at Oklahoma City University. My mother had gone to that same school and I never really had an interest in going there up until my senior year in high school. I think everybody else was going to the state schools and wanting to be a little different I decided to cost my parents a little more money and go to a private school and my experience there was wonderful, but I very quickly changed my major from English to mass communications. I kind of shifted gears and had wanted to go into the area of broadcast. So that was my main emphasis and my education over the four years at Oklahoma City University was in the area of training kind of, you know, grooming yourself to be a reporter for a new station as I got further into my education, probably the end of my junior year, I had a little I was facing a little bit of a Crossroads because I was really, you know, the reality of I'm going to graduate and have to pursue a career. And is this what I want to do those thoughts were going through my head and I was thinking about what it really takes to be a reporter and especially in this market having to probably move to Wichita Falls, Texas and start at small station and work, you know the 4:00 a.m. Shift and Every holiday and be responsible for interviewing someone who's just been in a car wreck about you know their car wreck and I just I didn't feel that my personality was aggressive enough probably to be a reporter. I loved doing anchoring work and on-camera work in general, but I didn't think that investigative portion of my brain had been adequately cultured so I decided okay, I'm not going to you know, pursue that at full force. Fortunately at Oklahoma City University as in other colleges. I'm sure the cross training that you receive as a mass communications major allows for coursework in print and public relations and advertising. So I really kind of had educationally a broad base and you know, the sky was the limit within those particular Fields. However, I didn't really know exactly what I wanted to do. So I simply I certainly sympathize with kids who graduate college now, thinking okay. I'm supposed to know what I'm what I'm going to do, but I don't so I didn't do anything for a little while. I mean, I worked retail and didn't assistant management, management at a retail outlet in the mall all the while just kind of thinking what am I going to do? You know, what am I going to do and a series of events led me to get in touch with Jerry Regear who at that time was the secretary for Health and Human Services Under Governor Keating he and my dad actually had gone to elementary school together and it recently reconnected as sometimes we do in our, in our as we get a little older and want to get back to Our Roots. So I went to see him just to talk with him about the things that he does at , He did, at the Oklahoma office of juvenile Affairs, which is where he was stationed at that point in time and we talked we talked about my skills kind of what I wanted to do and at the end of that Conversation he said well, you know, we work with this really small public relations firm, and I know that they probably could always use you know, an extra pair of hands probably just an unpaid internship if you're willing to kind of get your feet wet and do some grunt work and I said absolutely he said I'm not promising you anything, but I'll certainly give my contact there your information. Well the very next day. I got a call from Mary Myrick who was an is the president of public strategies Inc. where I currently work and she said, hey come in and talk to us. So I went in all nervous. I had no idea what I was doing my first interview ever and my last coincidently.

Melba: Absolutely.

Kendy:My first  and only and so I went in there and she said, you know, we're preparing for a big event for our governor that's called the Safe School Summit. We do for our educational system here and we bring in you know, 10,000 kids and do an educational training on bullying substance abuse drinking, driving all of those prevention issues that are hot topics within our school system and certainly, you know, if you could come in after you're done working at the mall or before or on days that you're off. We would love to have the extra hands. So for about a month and a half leading up into that event. I worked probably 80- 85 hours a week at my regular job and just volunteering. I think they paid me a little bit but mainly volunteering with public strategies and at the end of that period of time Mary took me to lunch and said hey, you know, do you want to work here full-time? And I said absolutely so that's how I got my foot in the door with public strategies. And I know we'll talk more about public strategies and what they do, but I've been there ever since.

Melba: That's excellent. I am going to give you an opportunity to talk more about public strategies. I want to stop at this time and make sure we get all of your family history. And so that we won't have to go back and forth. Are you married?

Kendy:  I am married. I have been married for six years about six and a half now. My husband's name is Jason Cox and we met at Oklahoma City University dated for five years before we got married. So that's that's Interesting thing about us. We definitely courted for a long time. I was only it was about a month before my 18th, no, a month before my 19th birthday when I met him so obviously I didn't want to jump into you know marriage at a very young age, so but we did stay together. And now we have six years behind us. That is good

Melba:  Do you have children?

Kendy: I do I have a three-year-old daughter named Bailey. And I'm expecting in about four weeks. My son who will be named Nolan or I hope it's a boy. They tell you it's a boy on that sonogram. Never know.

Melba: If it's true.

Kendy: You just cross your fingers that that 98% accuracy is enough.

Melba:  Would you like to say is there anything special you'd like to share about being in your family with in this interview?

Kendy: I think my immediate family now, is we're so blessed because we both have good healthy family models to pull from my parents have been together for 34 years. My husband's parents have been together for a little bit longer than that. I don't know the exact number and it's nice to have that foundation to pull from because we don't have to deal with in our marriage and our family being unsure about how to handle things as a cohesive unit because we have that that background to pull from. I think one thing that is special about us is that we understand what's important. We certainly have our, our religious foundation that leads to that understanding but also, I know that playing with my daughter teaching my daughter having fun as a family spending time together is way more important than a clean house or you know laundry that's always done or whatever else you want to insert in there. I try not to take that too far, but I but I certainly, you know can recognize that that being a unit and nurturing that relationship all the way around is, the most important thing and what I'll look back on when I'm old and gray and thinking about all my memories, so

Melba: We would like for you to tell us about your work now with the public strategies in any way you would like you, you let up to how you actually started working you and that initial Summit. From there how did you gradually move on through the ranks and become involved with actually what you're doing now?

Kendy: Well as I mentioned I when I started working with public strategies, it was a very, very small firm. I think I was the fifth employee. There were four people working there the president the vice president and two support staff. So it was a very interesting experience to have equal and ongoing access to the president of the company and we worked a lot of long and hard hours because we were taking on bigger and bigger projects with the same amount of people. So early on in my tenure at public strategies Jerry Regear are who I mentioned earlier was the cabinet secretary for Health and Human Services was talking to us about Governor Keating and his desire to focus on a divorce prevention project within the state of Oklahoma. He had looked at some information that said we have a very low per capita income in the state of Oklahoma and that there's a link between the economy and our, our marriage and our divorce rate. And that was very intriguing to him. No one had ever made that distinction before and he thought if we have a really high divorce rate in the state of Oklahoma, what can we do about it? So he brought together heads of all the major sectors of society to do some brainstorming but what we could do and very quickly he realized that if he was serious about this he would need funding and he would need somebody to manage it on a daily basis so funding he worked out through the Department of Human Services they had received a block grant of TANA funds temporary assistance to needy families and the rules about how you could use that money where we're pretty general in terms of strengthening families and encouraging two-parent families when there are kids involved. So he asked to use a very small portion of that block grant to try some things related to marriage policy and divorce prevention. And on the other side of the fence, he recognized that there needed to be someone to manage the project so through a series of events the Department of Human Services did a request for proposal to different agencies. They sent out a hundred and seven invitations of people to manage that project public strategies was the sole bidder out of a hundred and seven invitations which goes to show you how very little anybody knew about what this was and why it was important and at that point in time now, you see a lot of states and community groups talking about marriage policy and how important it is to not only Society in general, the economy, but also to Social Services programs that if we can put more money on the prevention side that maybe we won't have to spend so much money on the back end for artificial support such as child support and foster care and adoption and all of those things and you know, all those things that are in the that are inter related. So public strategies won that piece of business just because we were the sole bidder didn't mean they had to give it to us, but fortunately we worked really hard and we won that piece of business which was a very small contract in the beginning which has grown based on national federal interest in these kinds of programs grants that have been available in and simply put, The state of Oklahoma's investment and belief in this this kind of project. So our business has grown significantly over the past seven, eight years and now long story short, we have 80 full-time employees and over 20 part-time employees. So it's been a huge change for public strategies and as the marriage initiative has grown and we've taken on different, different Niche projects under that General umbrella. I have been able to move up through the company largely, I mean obviously because of my skills but largely because of the history that I bring to the table knowing what where we started and the different steps that have that have gone along during the marriage initiative. So we have other projects that we work on but by and large the Oklahoma marriage initiative is, is the biggest piece of our business. Because of the work that we do here in Oklahoma we also have other related contracts to manage other marriage initiatives in other parts of the state which has been a neat and neat thing for us to branch out into we run the Texas healthy marriage initiative along with their Human Services organization there. We have some work on the Colorado healthy marriage initiative. We do a lot of work on the federal history Hispanic healthy marriage initiative and just last year we were appointed the head of the national healthy, Marriage Resource Center. So a lot of this marriage policy work has, has grown significantly even just over the past few years, which has created a lot of opportunities for our current staff and also opportunities to hire new staff that travel around and do provide technical assistance to other states and Community groups. So it's been it really interesting to see the business grow, but also to work on that particular project.

Melba: Would you like to talk about some of the side programs that you work on in this interview to kind of give us a feel I had been seeing the I had become involved with the research in 2002, but I've been seeing the a lot of new programs coming out and I would like for you to share that in the interview so that as a result of this interview you would be able to let people know, there are different things that you are working on by name and a little bit about what each one of those programs is trying to accomplish. I think that would be helpful.

Kendy: Sure. Well under the General Oklahoma marriage initiative umbrella early on we were mainly just trying to get information out to the public about the value of strengthening relationships and in approximately 2000 we begin working on developing, service delivery system because we didn't want to just get out there and tell folks that they have a problem and then there's no way to fix the problem other than spending, you know, $150 an hour going to private counseling which you know has it certainly has its value but not everybody, you know and can afford that so we started developing a service delivery system. We picked a curriculum that we still use today. It's called the prevention and relationship enhancement program. And then we began training volunteer service providers. In that curriculum and equipping them, motivating them to go out and deliver community-based workshops, which are not counseling they are educationally based. So the example is teaching somebody a skill. And in this case it's you know, not tennis. It's how to have a happier healthier relationship. So how to talk without fighting how to maintain the commitment how to nurture the fun and friendship in the relationship. So it's very tangible that they can take away. Early on we were just delivering workshops in the community using that volunteer base, but over time various niche projects have emerged based on Research or our knowledge about at-risk populations that could use this information. If we only tailored it just a little bit to the needs of that Community. Now, we have a lot going on, we   have programs in our prison system with the Department of Corrections. We have trained the chaplains in those facilities to deliver the prep curriculum to inmates and in the many situations their spouse or significant other that may come in from the outside world. And if they aren't allowed to come in for that extra visitation because whatever the you know, the rules of that facility, then we try to find the spouse or significant other a class on the outside that they can go to concurrently. So that's a very interesting and very nationally touted program and I think that six years ago I ever would have thought we'd be doing marriage education in the prison system, but it's proved to be a really neat thing even for the Department of Corrections because the skills of managing relationships are transferable and they're seeing much more compliance among the inmates that go to these classes. They're communicating better with their wardens and with other inmates. So it's neat to see that as a byproduct. Not only just their romantic relationships. But the reason why that project is important is because the Department of Corrections told us that there's research that says the number one indicator of recidivism post-release is the stability of the family relationship. Many inmates that do well in prison then are released and they go back into a chaotic situation and are not equipped to deal with it and end up reoffending. We have also worked with our Department of Human Services, local Human Service Centers all across the state of Oklahoma to implement an offshoot of the prep curriculum called within my reach that is more based more targeted for individuals rather than couples coming to the marriage education classes and they are implementing that for all temporary assistance to needy families, clients as a part of their orientation process. If they sign up for benefits, they are then also learning skills about how to manage relationships. It's focused on romantic relationships, but certainly as I mentioned on the prison system, the skills are transferable. So how they can relate better to their children, but it's an interesting program because many of these women, most of them are women, don't have models for healthy relationships. So if nothing else it gives them hope that the relationships that they've been in don't have to be their fate forever. So that's, we love that program and we think it has potential to do a great thing for many, many, Oklahomans. We also have programs in the high school system’s 9th, 10th, 11th, and 12th graders who are in family and consumer sciences classes receive a semester-long instruction in relationship skills using a curriculum called connections and once again, it's a model thing many of these young people don't have models for healthy relationships. They think that they're going to graduate high school get married the next day to their you know Jr High sweetheart and all will be well, so we really, you know, help them understand if they want to get married at that age. That's fine. We're not passing judgment on age of marriage, but we do tell them about risk factors the younger they are but if when and if they choose to get read here are the realities here are the skills that you need they play a game where they pull cards about life situations and they may pull a child support card. It says you have a baby with another woman or another man and you are responsible for this amount of money every month to that person and it's amazing the kids, you know, they don't know that that's a reality. They don't have no idea about child support. So just teaching them about some things on there on the prevention side has been an important part of that particular program. We also work very closely with engaged couples. We want to make sure that on the prevention side were getting couples the education they need going into a marriage rather than waiting until their marriage is in crisis, which some people tend to do, you know, we'd like to say that's time the time to repair the roof is when the sun is shining not when it's pouring down rain, but prevention is a hard concept for folks so, so we constantly have to push those messages but here in Oklahoma engaged couples can qualify for a $5 marriage license instead of the requisite $50 if they go to one of the Oklahoma Merit initiative classes, so that's you know, that's a big incentive for a lot of couples to save $45 by spending a day or a couple of days in a class like this. So we certainly like to get that information out there to all engaged couples or soon to be engaged couples. Another couple of programs that are really interesting that we work with adoptive couples and other couples that might have special needs related to their family situation, foster couples, families with children with disabilities, First Responders, step families, grandparents raising grandchildren, special needs caregivers, professionals who are working with those families who sometimes kind of take on the stress of their family situations and it and it causes problems in their own family lives. We're looking at all kinds of different populations like that through a couple of federal grants that we have we take these couples on a retreat experience in Guthrie, Oklahoma and during that weekend, they receive the full prep curriculum about eight hours of instruction, and they also receive an inventory, a marital inventory called in Enrich. It really helps them take stock of what their strengths are in their relationship where they may need some assistance and they receive a one-on-one feedback by professionals at Oklahoma State University on that inventory and then we just give them a lot of opportunity, we feed them a lot. We give them a lot of opportunities to network with other families sometimes with these at-risk populations. They don't know anybody in their community that's going through the same thing that they are. There's a lot of value and just that resource sharing that comes with those retreats and then we give them a down a lot of down time for them to focus on their relationship, you know date opportunities and, and those kinds of things so that's, that's an interesting project that we do that's more of a direct Service. As I mentioned before we work a lot with that volunteer-based 2400 people that we've trained. So the staff at public strategies don't often get to come face-to-face with the couple's but On this particular Federal grant where we take them on the retreat experience, you know, we get to see him we get to talk to him. We get to hear their stories. And, and so it's a very neat project for us to work on. We also work in the faith community obviously pastors and lay leaders in churches are Gatekeepers to couples that are either in need of some assistance some help or are planning to get married. So we want to make sure that the faith community is, is equipped with educational resources to provide to those couples. We also have recently branched out into the business community. There's a lot of research out there right now that says, you know, the number one indicator the number one thing that's causing productivity loss in the workplace, especially among men is problems at home. So convincing employers that it's really a good investment to teach your employees how to a have healthy happy relationships. Some skills that they can not only use at home but in the workplace with coworkers is a good thing. So we've had some early success in branching out to some of those Community leaders and business owners and providing some instruction to employee. So that's, that's a relatively new project. That's you know, getting some attention, and gaining some steam. I'm sure there are other a family. Let me talk about family expectations.

Melba: Yeah, I was going to ask you about family expectations because of so many children are affected by the family expectation

Kendy: right family expectations Is a new program. It's been in place for about a year I guess and it was developed as a result of some research from the factual families and child well-being study where they looked at particularly unwed Low-income couples who were having a child and at the time of the birth of this baby that they kind of called The Magic Moment where the couple is feeling very connected. They're emotionally attached to this baby. Most of the couple's I mean very, very high percentage reported that they expected to be together for the sake of this child. But following those couples up until you know a year later only about 12% of the couples were still together. So that was a huge a huge wake-up call to the government and other social services programs that couples having a baby are experiencing a wonderful life changing event, but it can also be very problematic especially for the low-income community. So several different states and Community groups have implemented programs around that concept of fragile families. Here in Oklahoma our program is called family expectations, and it's for married and unmarried expectant couples or couples who have just had a baby within the last three months. So that's kind of the parameters of who can participate they also have to be the biological parents of the child. And they both have to give consent to participate in the activities of the program. But what we offer is a 30-hour curriculum, it's based on the prevention and relationship enhancement program, but it has some additional modules that are related to child development and taking care of the baby and listening to cues from the baby and the emotional aspects around having a baby. Very baby oriented obviously and they go through the 30 hours of curriculum. It's an on-site program here in Oklahoma City and they also have access to a family support coordinator, which really serves a case management component helping those couples develop a family plan develop an employment plan whatever assistance they might need to overcome, you know barriers to getting married or staying married or providing the best resources for their family, you know, we've done anything from paying a month’s electric bill to provide transportation to and from work to I mean the sky's the limit really in terms of helping these couples within reason accomplish their goals. And then we provide them some program supports to help them focus on their family. We have a store on site that's called the crib and they earn dollars that's fake money, but they earn in and you know points toward buying things in that store for accomplishing certain things that are part of the program our staff may just randomly give you know, five crib pieces of crib cash as we call them for a 10 minutes on a current night of their scheduled workshop or we might give them some cash for going to a job interview that they agreed to go on with their family support coordinator. There's all kinds of reasons why they why they could earn that money and there's a cap. I don't know exactly what the maximum amount is. But in that store that can buy new items which is a huge thing because the couple say that you know, they don't really get new stuff in other programs. They can buy new items for their baby. But also for their cup there’s couple of words just there's you know DVDs, there's a DVD player, there's basketball, there's also there's a loofah set for the mom on a different stuff that you know, they could buy if they want to by and large the baby items are the, the big Sellers and, and it's interesting to watch these couples because it we didn't know that this was going to happen. It's kind of a byproduct of having that store, but they're really they really learn how to manage their money because you can see the couples. Sometimes they get that five or ten dollars one night and want to immediately go spend it and then the other part of the couple says you know, remember let's save it up so we can get the stroller that we wanted. So they're learning how to manage their money This is an approximate. So it's a neat thing to watch but we've seen so many wonderful stories come out of that program and are always looking for you no more opportunities to partner in the community and to get the word out that this program exists. One thing that we've learned about all of our programs that's frustrating but I think you know will get better over time is that most people aren't willing to give up that amount of time without knowing what they're getting into and with marriage education it's really hard to explain the benefit what how they're going to experience and what they're going to experience until they actually come so getting people to show up to that first class is by and large the biggest challenge. So we always try to tell couples, you know, if you don't like it don't come back, you know, we just want you to come it's free everything we offer is free. So there's really not That much investment other than the time so we just continue to work on getting those messages out there to the public about how important it is to focus on your relationship, especially for the benefit of the children that we're all bringing into the world. There's a lot of research out there that says on average children do better and healthy two-parent families and if we can give them that experience when it's feasible, certainly, we're not encouraging couples who are in domestic violence situations does stay together, but we certainly want to achieve all that we can in the area of marriage and family in the state of Oklahoma.

Melba:  Well, that certainly is my reason for asking you to come because I've had the benefit of some of the training, I've talked with people who've had the benefit of some of the training and I did get to participate as a coach with some of the prison training in Guthrie and it was very meaningful to me to be able to participate in that. I'm still trying to figure out the best way to use my training and work through some of the personal things that I'm trying to go through but I think the program is so important in everything I can do to get the word out. I wanted to be able to do that. I would like to have you just on a more personal side to talk a little bit more about the dreams you have as a parent and as a wife for your own children, but you share some of that with us because I think that as you've talked about some of the programs the fact that you are married and you do have children and you do come from a family with your husband and you both have had the experience of a foundation, where two married families stay together. I want to give you an opportunity to be real specific and share some of the dreams for your own children.

Kendy: I think, you know my dreams for my family and for my children are that we continue to be open and honest with each other that I can instill the values that I've had growing up in my children and encourage them to be independent, but also to know when to ask for help because I think that's I think that's something that a lot of kids struggle with is not knowing who they can turn to when they are really struggling and any area of life whether it be their homework or you know, social pressures that they're facing. So I think that's always a challenge that every parent faces, is you know, how do you give your kids that structure without pushing them to the point of rebelling against you and my personal philosophy is you pray about it a lot and you pray about it as a family and you teach everybody to ask questions at every turn you try not to react out of anger, which is really hard when you have a tantrum prone three-year-old, but you just do your best every single day and if you mess up you apologize for it and you mean it and I think beyond that I'm just like anybody else trying to figure out exactly. What's the best thing? Every single day for my family, but obviously telling your family that you love them. And not being hindered in that way is really important to me.

Melby: That is very important. You've shared a little bit about the fact that you do pray. Do you want to share with us your religious beliefs?

Kendy: Sure. I mean, I grew up Christian I grew up in a Baptist Church and I have a very strong belief in Free Will and that we all make our own decisions and that it's our choice to, either accept what God has to offer us or reject it and it's a challenge every single Day to respond to his calling and do what we think he wants us to do and I currently go to a Lutheran Church where my husband's parents go. My daughter went to Bible school there this year and just fell in love with the with the Church Community there. So we continue to take her on Sunday mornings. It's much smaller Church than I grew up used to which has little bit of you little bit of challenges for me, but I think the bottom line is that we spend our time and worship and get fed every, every week. And certainly I'm one to say that your religious beliefs can't just be on Sunday, you know, they carry you through the full week and in every aspect of your life, or at least you hope they do

Melba: That says a lot. Who would you say has been the kindest to you in your life?

Kendy: Oh many, many people have been kind to me.

Melba: And the name of some of the ones that just come off with you, can't really name one. You know the people that have been really kind to you and you would like to name several that just roll off or your heart. You can do that.

Kendy: Well, I think obviously my parents rank at the very top of the list gosh, there's been so many people who've touched my life in so many areas over the years one that really comes to mind is I had a youth Minister growing up that not growing out but when I was a youth and he was a very, very important role model for me I just adored him and he moved away when I was it must have been this summer after my, my freshman year in high school. And he pastored her youth was a youth minister at a church in Mustang here. And you know, we stayed in contact by phone once a year or something like that, but I very much missed him and I probably didn't give the next youth Minister enough credit because I because I So missing the old one and he just had a profound impact on my life. I can't I can't point to any one reason but what's interesting is you know, when I was that age we didn't have email. So it's wasn't as easy to stay in contact mean to me Mustang Oklahoma from Clinton Oklahoma was, you know, the end of the Earth even that was about an hour away, but when I got a little bit older I contacted him and we started communicating back and forth. He has a family of his own. I think my husband and I we weren't married at the time. We were just dating we went and visited his church and in Mustang and got to see him and his family and then when my husband proposed to me, I actually asked, Buddy was the administers name, to marry us. So he came back into our lives in a very strategic way. We did our pre- marital education with and it was a really special experience for me to be standing at the altar getting married and to have the pastor who is marrying us, you know, reference me being a 7th grade little girl and how sweet I was and how much you know, I had impacted his life. Not only you know me feeling that he had impacted mine. So I think he's one that I will always remember us having a significant place in my life.

Melba:  That's good. What would you say? Along those same lines with a when you talk think about people who are been especially kind to you are those people one in the same? And would you like to name anybody? We talked about somebody being a great influence. Let's talk about kindness to somebody being really kind to you.

Kendy: I think kindness is really important to me and you know, I fortunately have surrounded myself with very kind people just in the situations that I've placed myself in. You know, why? Mother-in-law is one of the kindest woman. I know and she's always been very kind to me in a number of different ways. I think that someone who has is just, you know gentle with you and communicates with you in a way that doesn't convey that they want anything from you is my kind of working definition of kindness and I've had friends like that my friend Kim Marshall who lives in well, she just moved to Boston now. She moved to Boston now is extremely kind. I've probably had more kindness in my life than a lot of people so it's really hard for me to point out individual people, but that's been very important to me. My mother taught me when I was a child. She said there are three really important things in life for you, one is to be kind, two is to be kind, and three is to be kind. well that might not be the most important thing in life I've always remembered that and I really tried it to treat people with the kindness that that I would like to be treated with and I have been, so that's a neat thing to be able to say

Melba: it is a neat thing to say and I called you as a ridiculous request to help me with a proposal and you were very kind about it for the Head Start programming I'd like to say so publicly because I really gave you a short notice and you were just so good about it. Kendy we are greatly honored that you had this interview with us and I would like to give you an opportunity to make sure that if there's any particular message that you would like to give to people here in Oklahoma that will encourage them in their relationships I would like for you to take the time to say What you've learned because you have worked so closely and so hard with this program. If there's any single thing you think might make a big difference I would like for you to be able to say that and closing your interview.

Kendy: I think what I would like to say is that relationships are very important to us and all aspects of our life, but we don't often have the opportunity to be honest about how difficult they are. Most people will say that their relationships whether they be their marriage or they're their children or their co-workers are fabulous and fantastic, but I think we can be a state that really recognizes that it does take work to maintain and it's just like any real anything in life, you know, we don't wait until our car breaks down before we put new oil in it. It's a part of that preventative maintenance to change the oil every, you know, 3,000 miles or whatever you like to like to do and we want people to think That relationships that same way just because you're seeking some marriage education or enrichment or reading a book about how to make your relationship the best it can be does not in any way shape or form indicate weakness or that people are struggling. It's just a way for us to be the best that we possibly can be and it does take work and I think I come in the state of Oklahoma for recognizing that this can be a part of the public policy of the state. And I commend all couples who choose to seek out this marriage and relationship education for doing what is absolutely best for themselves their marriage and their children.

Melba: You're right. It takes a lot of work. It takes a conscious decision and we're putting this out there so the public can grab it. Thanks a lot Kendy.

 

Kendy: I appreciate it Melba