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The Universe Next Door - Presidential Edition

Scifi Eye

Election season is in full swing, and as depressing as ever. All the candidates are horrible garbage people except maybe the one you’re voting for, and even they’re probably just the best of a bad bunch. Maybe that’s what we get when we insist that all our candidates be natural-born Americans and non-fictional. After all, there’s a whole universe full of imaginary rulers out there with proven political skills, and I’m sure one of them would be willing to serve as President for a term or two. Let’s meet our candidates.

 

Ancillary Justice by Anne Leckie

Candidate: Anaander Mianaai

Political experience: Judicial, political, military, and religious head of the Imperial Raach. Has served in this capacity for centuries.

Pros: As a single consciousness distributed across thousands of cloned bodies, she could significantly reduce the size of the Washington bureaucracy all on her own. Centuries of constant expansionist warfare means she would probably have an active foreign policy.

Cons: Doesn’t believe that people are humans until they have been conquered and assimilated by her which, among other things, is probably going to tick off the British. Also, she may be involved in a schizophrenic civil war with herself, and the last thing we need is to elect a second Congress as President.

Campaign Slogan: “Prosperity Through Eternal Genocidal Conquest.”

Dune by Frank Herbert

Candidate: Paul Atreides, the Maud’Dib.

Political experience: Fremen guerilla leader, God-Emperor of the Galaxy

Pros: Can see all possible futures resulting from any action and plan accordingly, which should allow him to calm the stock market down for a few years. Has plenty of experience dealing with resource extraction in a desert environment filled with angry people.

Cons: His name is a killing word, which is going to make his campaign rallies pretty hazardous environments. Also, he kind of turned into Space Hitler after a couple of books.

Campaign Slogan: “We Have Nothing To Fear But Fear Itself. Which I’m Also Not Afraid Of.”

Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy by Douglas Adams

Candidate: Zaphod Beeblebrox

Political experience: President of the Galaxy

Pros: When the phone rings at 3 AM, at least one of his heads is liable to be awake and watching Netflix. Possibly the only president in history capable of drinking the Russian delegation under the table.

Cons: Won’t stop drinking until he is also under the table. Also, he only became President of the Galaxy in order to steal an experimental starship, so he probably wouldn’t take the job if we offered it.

Campaign Slogan: “Don’t Try To Understand Me, Just Be Grateful You Felt the Warmth of Zaphod Beeblebrox’s Aura On Your Wonderstruck Face.”

1984 by George Orwell

Candidate: Big Brother

Political experience: Party Founder, Oceania

Pros: Strong domestic security policy. We need Big Brother’s strength to help us in our war with Eurasia against the perfidious Eastasia.

Cons: Possibly not a real person. Which would really be a disadvantage in our war with Eastasia against the treacherous Eurasia. (We have always been at war with Eurasia.)

Campaign Slogan: “War Is Peace. Slavery Is Freedom. Ignorance Is Strength.”

Ender’s Shadow by Orson Scott Card

Candidate: Peter Wiggin

Political experience: Hegemon of Earth

Pros: Is a political genius and possibly the smartest person on the planet.

Cons: Gained international credibility as a teenager by posting anonymously on the internet, which would require an internet where reasonable political discourse could take place. Is kind of a dangerous sociopath.

Campaign slogan: “Hey, How About We Blast All the Annoying Little Brothers Into Space?”

Crooked by Austin Grossman

Candidate: Richard M. Nixon

Political Experience: President of the United States

Pros: Saved the world from Lovecraftian nightmare monsters and the immortal necromancer Henry Kissinger.

Cons: Would have to deal with both term limit laws, his own faked death, and the fact that he’s still Richard Nixon.

Campaign slogan: “My Name Is Richard Milhous Nixon. I Was Educated At Whitter College In Whittier, California, and I Have Seen the Devil Walk.”

The Force Awakens by Alan Dean Foster

Candidate: Princess Leia

Political Experience: Princess of Alderaan, Rebel leader, Republic general

Pros: Proven experience dealing with weapons of mass destruction.

Cons: Opponents would probably run attack ads criticizing her for letting her first constituency get blown up with a giant planet-destroying laser.

Campaign slogan: “Elect Me, America. I’m Your Only Hope.”

What fictional ruler do you think we should elect this year? Let us know in the comments!

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Todd Podzemny

Todd Podzemny's picture

I grew up on a farm in northeastern New Mexico, about fifty miles from the heart of the Dust Bowl. I spent my childhood reading too much, a habit I have failed to break to this day. Before coming to the MLS in 2009, I worked as a paint mixer at Lowe's, a freelance writer, and a skip tracer for a bail bondsman. I am lucky enough to have a wife who is prettier and smarter than me, three cats who think they're prettier and smarter than me, and a robot vacuum cleaner who likes me just the way I am.

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